The Start of Something New.

 Have you ever found yourself hunched over the kitchen counter, eating the beets out of a dressing-less salad wondering "What is life, anyway?". Stuck in a fine line between "I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up" and "I have the God of angel armies on my side, I can do all things!".

September is garbage. September was the month I decided to end my 20 year marriage and asked my husband to leave. A year later in September, he was at the height of irrational, narcissistic & alcoholic behavior and calling me names like "two faced" and "bitch" as we tried to settle our divorce and he was unhappy with the boundaries I'd set for myself and our children. 

A good friend said to me this week "I wish you could celebrate September as the month you finally took control of your own life and kicked that shithead to the curb." Yet, two years later and September feels like I have no control over anything. Life is still spinning.

I have sat down to start this blog about a hundred times. Moments when feelings feel too big and I need to get them out and I have nobody to talk to. 

I've spent countless hours in therapy. I've asked God to give me the strength or to show up as my strength. I've leaned into the unknown countless times being forced into believing "God's got this" because I don't have any other choice. 

I've spent hours reading my Bible. Searching for wisdom. Shaking off imposter syndrome. Learning new skills. Trying to rest. 

I am tired. I have been tired for years. Perhaps, it's time to fully trust that "God's got this" and not because I have no other choice, but because I am choosing to believe it myself. Invite Jesus into the boat and move from this storm to the destination. (John 6:20-21)

Perhaps, it's time to stop looking at the small day-to-day miracles (Jesus feeds the crowd dinner) and start looking at the bigger, more specific miracles (12 baskets of leftovers - 12 disciples). 

Maybe it's time to ask bigger.